“Let me find and use metaphors to help me understand the world around me, and give me the strength to get rid of them when it’s apparent they no longer work.” – Ze Frank, An Invocation for Beginnings.
- who am i?
- good question.
I wish I could say something pithy and nice and just get to the point, but the fact is, I have a deep-seated personality disorder that leaves me chronically and pathologically unable to render any kind of functioning internal self-image.
I don’t know who I am in a dark room, and I don’t just mean that in the vague, poetic, wistful way most people do when they say it.
I mean, day in, day out, and year after year, on a level that impairs my ability to function every single day I’m alive, it feels like there is literally nothing inside me but a swirling, solid sea of scar tissue, a lot of howling, irrational, paranoid fear, and a mishmash of mismatched personality fragments I’ve slowly but surely stolen from a tiny handful of people who make me feel safe.
Those three things, and then, mostly, just a quiet, terrible emptiness.
No one knows who they “are,” but for borderlines, the question is maybe uniquely paralyzing, so I honestly can’t think of a way to introduce myself other than sitting here and blandly acknowledging what a hard time I’m having doing it.
And to a certain extent, that’s a calculated move. It’s all I can think to do, but I also think it’s a good idea. I want to be upfront. I want to be naked about this from day one:
My struggle to express myself here is not just subtext, or a background element you’re supposed to politely pretend not to notice. It’s core content. It is, in itself, at least a part of the point.
All I can be is myself, and “myself” is a deeply neurodivergent person who writes deeply neurodivergent things.
- about what?
About stories, mostly — and how they’re built, and how they’re told, and why we care, and why it matters.
It’s a review site, mainly, except I might not say “review” so much as I might say “critical essay” because the bottom line isn’t, “Is this good or is it bad?” so much as it is, “What is this, why is it that, what does that even mean to begin with, and then, so, what?”
In a lot of ways, I’m just going to be doing my own shallow, pale imitation of the people whose work I find soothing or insightful, and, hopefully, I’m pulling from a big enough pool that I won’t be stealing from any one of them more than I should be.
My readings are inexorably neurodivergent and also inexorably queer because, oh, hey, look, so am I. I’m an asexual enby with borderline personality disorder, major depression, and C-PTSD.
Those are a few things about myself I’ve joyously been able to claw back from inside the big, writhing Nothing inside of me, and I wear them. Loudly.
And now I’m just going to close out this post with a list of a few things I believe because I think, when you’re in charge of a space, it’s important to be clear, from the very first second it starts, who it’s for and who it’s not.
Put it this way:
Good creators don’t let TERFs and Neo-Nazis fester in their fan base just because the traffic is convenient.
So, let’s make this clear.
~ Black lives matter.
~ Trans women are women.
~ Trans kids are trans, and should absolutely be allowed to explore transitioning because the transitioning options given to kids are 100% safe and also completely temporary, so there is literally no fucking reason — beyond deliberate, sadistic, abusive, torturous goddamned cruelty — not to let these kids be who they fucking are.
~ The trans life experience is not necessarily defined by dysphoria.
~ Bi/pan/ace people are not “basically straight” or “straight-passing.”
~ There have never been just two genders.
~ Sex work should be decriminalized.
~ Same for at least most drugs.
~ Records wiped, too.
~ Jewish people are good.
~ Muslim people are good.
~ Immigration is good — and vital.
~ Immigrants are good — and vital.
~ Cops are inherently a fascist institution.
~ The genocidal settler state of America fundamentally does not deserve to exist.
~ The entire social construct of whiteness was built specifically as a tool of oppression and violence.
~ Every single white person living in a culture like ours, built on white supremacy, benefits tangibly from institutionalized white supremacy every single fucking day — and we absorb it as we marinate in it. No one is immune.
~ All we can do is work every single fucking day to deconstruct the racism living and thriving inside ourselves and our friends.
~ Words like “stupid”/”idiot”/”moron” can’t be divorced from their history in the eugenics movement (so this is the first and last time you’ll see them on this site).
~ Donald Trump should have already spent most of his life in prison (we shouldn’t have prisons, but lacking a better answer, as long as we have them, he should be there).
~ Pretty much all Congresspeople in the history of the country have blood on their hands by virtue of the nature of the job and the amount of power they have, but Paul Ryan stands out as an especially vicious, vindictive, eager, petty, and gleeful killer of poor people.
~ Capitalism is intentionally a mass-murder machine.
~ There should be no such thing as a millionaire/billionaire. No single person ever deserves a million/billion dollars.
~ Every single human being who’s ever lived, and ever will, deserves warm food, clean water, a home, and medical care, and there is literally nothing a person could ever do that would ever make them not deserve that.
And there we go. Hopefully, now, we understand each other. If you got turned off, good-bye. If you’re still here, you now have a set of standards to hold me to.
I have no idea what my posting schedule is going to be from here on out.
But, then, I promised myself this post would be out in the first week of the year, and now it’s January ninth, so, clearly, things are not always what we want them to be.
I’m going to have a lot to work out in terms of finding a workable intersection between “not holding myself to an excruciating, impossible standard” and “also not letting myself get stuck in a self-destructive death spiral of self-doubt and procrastination,” and that’s going to be a little bit touch-and-go to begin with.
When things really get rolling, I’m going to have a Patreon here. I have a Tumblr here. Twitter here. Thank you for reading. Have a nice night. Be kind to yourself. Remember to take your meds. Be ugly. Be weird. And refuse to make yourself digestible.
And, hopefully, I’ll see you here in a new piece soon.